Charles T. Tatum, Jr.: September 2024

Monday, September 16, 2024

Exhibition (1975)

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The only thing notable about this navel-gazing documentary detailing the life of a French "erotic" film actress was its acceptance into the mainstream New York Film Festival (so chic!). While scandalous in its day, the film is an exercise in tedium, with occasional explicit sex scenes to wake a snoozing audience.

Claudine Beccarie is a thirty-year old porn actress. She handles all of her own job offers and representation, so director Jean-Francois Davy captures her on phone calls lining up work and trying to get paid for past performances. The hardcore sexual scenes in the film are not from any of her previous films, however. Davy sets up Beccarie and some of her co-stars to have sex on cue, and then talks to them about the psychology of what they are doing. We get to have an obligatorily uncomfortable interview with Beccarie and her mother, both of whom remember Claudine's upbringing a little differently, and Beccarie's fiance, who is ten years her junior.

Davy is more fascinated with Claudine than the viewer is. Most of the female actresses have overly-plucked eyebrows, so they wear an expression of mild surprise during the screen time. Beccarie is an attractive woman who could have had a career in mainstream films if she had chosen that route. Instead, she seems to be working on her inner demons through pornographic film making, touting her individualism and freedom. The mid-70's decor and fashion are hilarious. Davy spends a lot of time onscreen himself, in scenes that seem planned and artificial. Claudine's story of living in a brothel after leaving home as a teenager sounds like the plot to a soap opera she had watched pre-interview. One sex scene with her and an attractive young man is cringe-worthy because the man either doesn't speak French and cannot respond to Claudine's questions and direction, or he might be mentally deficient. It's odd that we watch Claudine and her friends in all their naked glory, copulate on camera, get an interview with the people in her life, yet the one subject she refuses to discuss is her politics.

Sitting through the two weird epilogues, and a cursory online check, shows this entire two-hour exercise, which took me days to watch, is moot. For all of Beccarie's condescension about the porn film business- what she does is erotica, not porn- and her slamming of that new American hit "Deep Throat," she ended up leaving the hardcore sexual film industry a year or two after this was made. Davy would go on to make other "Exhibition" films, focusing on a different subject, but if they are anything like this, I don't want to spend another two hours or so having to listen to the drivel, unless it's coming from an actress named Beatrice Harnois who pops up way too late in this film, and is unbelievably, sadly beautiful. Her initial scene is a yawn-fest as one actress reads some erotica she wrote (yeah, right) while the cast members badly act it out. This one star's story got two stars from me years ago when I initially reviewed it, but now I grade all porn with zero stars.

Stats:
(1975) 110 min. (0) out of five stars
-Directed by Jean-Francois Davy
-Cast: Claudine Beccarie, Benoit Archenoul, Noelle Louvet, Beatrice Harnois, Frederique Barral, Jean-Francois Davy, Michel Dauba, Ellen Earl, Patrick Segalas, Mandarine, Noel Simsolo, Didier Faya
(X)

Boys Don't Cry (1999)

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Hello. Welcome to another negative review of a universally triumphed film. I hate to break this to the good citizens of Hollywood, but there are literally hundreds of millions of people in-between the coasts of California and New York who are not "looking to get out" of their small town existences. Please stop trying to make us feel wrong for the location we have picked to live.

Based, very very very loosely, on a true story, Swank is Teena Brandon, who cuts her hair short and becomes Brandon Teena. She is a troubled soul with big dreams about owning a mobile home park, and who likes to pass as a boy in order to be with other women. She leaves Lincoln, Nebraska, lands in Falls City, and meets up with John (Peter Sarsgaard), who introduces her to his screwed up extended family. Everyone here drinks too much, smokes too much, and works dead-end jobs so they can leave this "godd@mn town." Brandon also meets Lana (Chloe Sevigny), falls in love with her, and they make plans to leave Nebraska for a glistening fantasy life in Memphis- then the cornhusks hit the fan. Brandon is imprisoned on a traffic violation and is found out to have been born a woman. Everyone reacts the way movie white trash should react, and the final forty five minutes of the film is an orgy of drunken sexual assault and murder.

Let me state that Hilary Swank deserved every award heaped upon her. She has a perfect look, and I sometimes forgot she was an actress immersed in the lie Teena Brandon lived. For years now, Hollywood has doled out all this cow plop about how horrible it is to live in the flyover country, and I am sick of it. After the horrible murder of Matthew Shepard in Wyoming, some celebrities were literally disappointed that they weren't attacked by rubes on the tarmac when they left their L.A. bubble to come fix things- but be sure to see their latest film or television project.

The Nebraska of this film is not Nebraska, and I figured it out early. Kimberly Peirce directs the film with all the subtlety of acid thrown in your eyes, and at one point shows us a director-y shot of a big city skyline- Dallas'. Reading the credits, this film proudly states that it was shot in Dallas, Texas. I can honestly say there are more than a few differences between Texas and Nebraska. For one thing, the white trash cast here all have Texan drawls that are never explained. The film makers make a point of how horrible Nebraska is, yet do not even back up their hatred with accurate locations (I was born in Texas, and graduated from high school in Nebraska, so I know my stuff).

The entire cast is awful. Not awful actors, but awful human beings. One of the people portrayed sued the film makers for defamation of character, and you have to wonder what other liberties the co-writer/director took. Brandon Teena does not come off as a heroic martyr, she comes off as an idiot who could not seem to wake up, smell the stale beer, and SKIP TOWN. Peirce throws us into this cesspool, never explains WHY Teena did what she did, and still expects us to be moved and angered. Peirce has some good moments here and there, but after all the decadence in the first part of the film, the viewer may find themselves dulled to the horrific assault and murder scenes, which leave nothing to the imagination. If anything, I felt bad for the real people involved, who had to relive this nightmare on film in order to shock an audience- although for some reason, one of the victims of the killing spree isn't mentioned in the film. I dare use the word "exploitation" to describe the extended rape scene and the murders. While these scenes are strong and shocking, do not let them anger you into thinking this film is gospel fact, and therefore, good cinema. For a horrific true crime story, see the original film version of "In Cold Blood," that film will stay with you for days for what they did NOT show.

This is a ghastly story that needs to be told. I just think the money may have been better spent on a documentary with the people involved, not a skewed perspective masquerading as an independent film. "Boys Don't Cry" is not worth the tears.

Stats:
(1999) 118 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Kimberly Peirce
-Written by Kimberly Peirce & Andy Bienen
-Cast: Hilary Swank, Chloe Sevigny, Peter Sarsgaard, Brendan Sexton III, Alicia Goranson, Alison Foland, Jeannetta Arnette, Rob Campbell, Matt McGrath, Cheyenne Rushing, Robert Prentiss, Josh Ridgway, Craig Erickson
(R)

Saturday, September 14, 2024

Apache Blood (1973)

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This mess ranks up there, or down there, with the absolute worst films ever made, Western or otherwise.

Bold, unimportant narration tells us that Chief Yellow Shirt (Ray Danton) is hunting down white men because they broke a treaty. He and all three of his braves find a small squad of U.S. soldiers and take after them. Among the soldiers is Sam Glass (Dewitt Lee), a mountain man who is attacked by a bear in the funniest scene in the movie and left for dead. I assume one of the writers was familiar with "The Revenant" story. Sam eventually regains consciousness and starts fighting off the warriors while trying to catch up with the soldiers. Eventually, both sides are killed down to Yellow Shirt and Sam, who now race across the desert, try to outsmart each other, and survive wind storms, snakes, and hallucinations of their respective women.

I cannot give too much away from the ending because I am still trying to figure it out. Let me just say it is perhaps the stupidest plot twist of all time, and do not take this as a peaking of your curiosity to go find this thing. The editing seems to have been done with a chainsaw. This is beyond bad, this is so inept you will want to hurl things at the television, whether it be physical objects or your semi-digested lunch. The acting is terrible, the direction seems to have been achieved by one of my toddlers, and the film is padded so heavily to stretch this to an hour and a half, you could use the screenplay as a flotation device in the event of a water landing.

How this was made, marketed, dubbed onto video, and found its way to my local video store decades ago is a great mystery that may never be answered through the coming ages, but I guarantee you will be hard pressed to watch a more idiotic example of film making. Also known as "Pursuit," this is a waste of time and money.

Stats:
(1973) 86 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Vern Piehl
-Screenplay by Dewitt Lee and Jack Lee
-Cast: Ray Danton, Dewitt Lee, Troy Nabors, Diane Taylor, Jason Clark, Dave Robart, William Chadwick, Carl Mancini, Earl Baldwin, Wilford 'Whizzer' White, Carl Nelson, Jack Lee, Eva Kovacs
(R)

Friday, September 13, 2024

The Bounty Man (1972)

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Clint Walker is mean bounty hunter Kincaid in this early 1970's made-for-TV Western.

He rides into town to dump his latest capture, and makes the local saloonflies mad in the process. The hangers-on, led by Keough (Richard Basehart), decide to get back at Kincaid for refusing to buy them a drink with his new found wealth. Kincaid leaves to capture a $5000 reward by getting Billy Riddle (John Ericson). He spirits Riddle away from a ghost town/criminal hangout, but also gets some extra baggage in the form of Ericson's girlfriend Mae (Margot Kidder). As Riddle and Mae speak in whispers and plan their escape, Riddle's gang decides to take him from Kincaid and claim the reward as their own. Suddenly, a routine bounty for Kincaid turns into something else as he must deal with enemies on two fronts.

Walker bares a resemblance to Tom Selleck, and is just fine here. He is not the nice guy from other films I have seen him in, and his story about what happened to his wife explains the bitterness in his character. Walker should have had a much larger career in westerns than he did. Kidder is very good as Mae, the prostitute who falls for Riddle. Some of her dialogue is a little shrill, but she handles it well and turns in a performance that is smart. Basehart is the creepy head of the gang that rides after Walker. It is almost refreshing to have villains who want one thing, money, and have no past history or old scores to settle with the hero. The film is a brief seventy four minutes, so any deep meanings and characterization is lost, save Walker and Kidder. This is also the kind of film where the good guy must win, must hit everything he shoots at, must turn the bad girl good, and all of that is here. A real plus is Moxey's direction, which is neither boring nor fanciful. He shows real nuts-and-bolts camera moves, not trying to take away from his leads or the action taking place. The title song and musical score are a mess, done by a forgotten pop group called The Orphanage.

"The Bounty Man" is a basic western that delivers the goods, and does not want much from its audience in return. It is entertaining and watchable, but I do not think the members of the television academy overlooked it for any awards.

Stats:
(1972) 73 min. (* * * 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by John Llewellyn Moxey
-Written by Jim Byrnes
-Cast: Clint Walker, Richard Basehart, John Ericson, Margot Kidder, Gene Evans, Arthur Hunnicutt, Rex Holman, Wayne Sutherlin, Paul Harper, Dennis Cross, Vincent St. Cyr, Hal Needham, Glenn R. Wilder, Rita Conde
(Not Rated)

Thursday, September 12, 2024

Top 10 Films of 2018

Out of 37 films I viewed released in 2018:
(Ranking, Title, (Director), Star Rating Out of Five Stars)

1. Cracked Up (Michelle Esrick) *****
2. Incredibles 2 (Brad Bird) ****1/2
3. A Star is Born (Bradley Cooper) ****
4. Halloween (David Gordon Green) ****
5. Apostle (Gareth Evans) ****
6. Bohemian Rhapsody (Bryan Singer) ***1/2
7. Dr. Seuss' The Grinch (Yarrow Cheney, Scott Mosier) ***1/2
8. Boiled Angels: The Trial of Mike Diana (Frank Henenlotter) ***1/2
9. Kevin James: Never Don't Give Up (Andy Fickman) ***1/2
10. Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse (Bob Persichetti, Peter Ramsey, Rodney Rothman) ***1/2
Worst Film of the Year: Buttons (Tim Janis) 1/2*

Anything Else (2003)

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Iconic writer/director Woody Allen tries to do a modern romantic comedy that is surprisingly unfunny, and rips himself off in turn.

Jerry Falk (Jason Biggs) is a twenty-one year old comedy writer living in New York City. He meets sixty-one year old comedy writer David Dobel (Woody Allen), a paranoid teacher who stashes guns and survival equipment to protect himself in case the Nazis ever rise again. Jerry is in a committed relationship with the beautiful and sexy Amanda (Christina Ricci). Jerry fell in love with her at first sight, and once their whirlwind romance was consummated and they moved in together, trouble began. Jerry tries to hold his life together, dealing with such stock characters as Amanda's obnoxious mother, Laura (Stockard Channing), and his hopelessly inept manager Harvey (Danny DeVito). Jerry faces a life changing decision, whether to move to California to write for television with David, or try to stick it out with the flaky Amanda.

For years, the then-new round of endless romantic comedies have sometimes ripped off Woody Allen. Urbane city dwellers who have apartment issues while seeing bored psychoanalysts are characters I have come to accept as par without really understanding or caring about them. "Anything Else" rubbed me the wrong way, all the way through. I had the exact same reaction to Amanda as I did to Andie MacDowell's character in "Four Weddings and a Funeral"- what does this guy see in her? Ricci's Amanda starts out as the ideal woman, then the gloves come off and she immediately flakes out and becomes annoying. Biggs is hot and cold as Jerry. Sometimes he takes his Allen impression way over the top, since all of Allen's leading men are basically playing him, but in other scenes his comic timing is dead on- trying to cover up his secret date with Amanda to his then-current girlfriend. Allen miscasts himself as the brilliant but disturbed David. His paranoid fantasies are funny, his jokes about the rough school he works at are funny, but Allen delivers all the lines in the exact same way he has been delivering lines onscreen for decades. What Christopher Walken could have done with this part! Stockard Channing's Laura is straight out of a TV sitcom. Danny DeVito has the best scenes, a manager who has no business experience outside of the garment district, all of his stories and examples involve clothing. Jimmy Fallon is wasted in a cameo as one of Amanda's boyfriends, he's completely lost. Allen filmed a lot of the scenes in Central Park in what looks like summertime, and the film is nice to look at. Diana Krall plays herself, and jazz is sprinkled throughout, creating just the right mood. Technically, the film is very good, but all the pretty pictures cannot mask one of Allen's weakest scripts. Allen tries to one-up the cocaine scene from "Annie Hall," unsuccessfully, and how many times do we need to see the psychiatrist who sits by while the main character spills their guts out- only to ask the wrong question or tell them their time is up at the cusp of a breakthrough?

"Anything Else" caught me off guard, especially at how boring it sometimes becomes. The young cast seems willing, but Allen brings them down with limp execution. Anything else, indeed.

Stats:
(2003) 108 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Woody Allen
-Cast: Jason Biggs, Christina Ricci, Woody Allen, Stockard Channing, Danny DeVito, Fisher Stevens, Diana Krall, Jimmy Fallon, Adrian Grenier, Anthony Arkin, KaDee Strickland, William Hill, Maurice Sonnenberg
(R)

The Bounty Huntress (2001)

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Take one porn film, remove said element of porn, and what are you left with? This.

J.C. (Mary Shannon as Nicki Dolan) is a bounty hunter who uses her good looks to capture horny unsuspecting criminals. She works for the oily Benny (Dillon Morgan Silver), who teams her with rival Lance (Jason Schnuit) on her toughest assignment yet. They must track down a mob informant last seen in the company of two hookers (Devinn Lane and Kimber Lynn), plus J.C.'s ex-husband Tom (John Russell Hughes as Justin R. Hughes III), a district attorney, gets involved in the case.

Aside from the terrible acting, poor directing, laughable script, and over-reliance on stock footage, how do I know this was porn? For one thing, Devinn Lane's name is in the title. I am familiar with her work from some godawful thing I saw a few months back...I remember her in a book store with some other women, and they were not boning up on their Longfellow. Anyway, at the end of the credits, the producers proudly proclaim, or is it disclaim, that the bothersome "of legal age" law does not apply to this production. To use another less obvious clue, all of the sex scenes are very soft softcore. I am not talking "Red Shoe Diaries" softcore, I am talking about tens of minutes of footage being removed from between two characters' tentative stripping and the naughty post-coital afterglow basking and redressing, with just a fair amount of nudity on display. The story runs all of seventy minutes, including the credits. So, when all the porn is edited away, you are left with just story, and it is a lousy one at that. I am not sure about the cast's ability between the sheets (except for Lane), but when it comes to rudimentary acting skills like delivering dialogue or creating a character, everyone fails miserably. The set design deserves special disparaging mention. I was fascinated with district attorney Tom's office, where his desk and walls are all painted a color best described as "fecal." At one point in the film, a major character is murdered offscreen, and the cast reacts with such indifference I am convinced the actors could not remember what part the victim played in the film.

"The Bounty Huntress" even spawned a couple of video sequels, but I think I have had enough of the series. This is one bad film. Also known as "Beautiful Bounty," and is listed online with many different running times.

Stats:
(2001) 98 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Madison Monroe
-Written by Karen Stone
-Cast: Mary Shannon, Dillon Morgan Silver, Jason Schnuit, Devinn Lane, Kimber Lynn, John Russell Hughes, Sebastien Guy, David Garrison, Nick Pellegrino, Keri Windsor, Kaz Flair, George Thomas, Brandon Kealona
(R)

Tuesday, September 10, 2024

Antichrist (2009)

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I hate Lars von Trier. Among some of the worst films I have ever seen rest "Breaking the Waves," "Dancer in the Dark," and the artsy-putrid "Dogville."

An unnamed married couple (Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe) have a stolen sexual moment together. Their toddler son, the only other cast member, tumbles out of their apartment window to his death. Dafoe, a therapist, retreats to the family's cabin in the woods with the still grieving Gainsbourg. Being a better therapist than a husband, Dafoe tries to draw Gainsbourg out, and the two begin manipulating each other psychologically. Eventually, violence is resorted to, as von Trier grabs the viewer by the throat and makes us watch wide-eyed at what seemingly rational and educated human beings are capable of doing to each other and themselves.

Across the world, von Trier's work has generated many a thesis, film studies book, and dissertation. I have a feeling everyone with an opinion about this film will have a different take on it, with none of them being wrong. For the purpose of this review, I will stick to the filmic aspects. Both Dafoe and Gainsbourg are astounding. Dafoe is one of the most interesting actors working, unafraid of this intense material. I only remembered Gainsbourg as a demure "Jane Eyre" a few years ago, but she, too, inhabits her character. I don't know who else was approached to play this hopelessly damaged couple, but I cannot imagine any other performers doing this. Dafoe and Gainsbourg turn in the best performances of their careers.

Von Trier's screenplay is like none I have seen filmed. We have a psychological domestic drama played against a Sam Raimi/"Evil Dead" backdrop. The scary monsters aren't under the bed, and aren't hiding in the woods. They are in the heads of our couple, and manifest themselves in Nature itself. I've never been a fan of von Trier's "kinetic" direction, the shaky Dogme crap drove me nuts, but this style doesn't seem as pronounced here. I don't know if von Trier's confidence in his own material finally peaked, but I really appreciated it. The film's look is beautiful and dark, the music and sound are deft, and the other technical aspects are hard to forget. Film critic Roger Ebert wrote that through this film, von Trier had shaken him. I would add to that statement and say that I can't shake this film. I am a fan of the obscure and avant-garde, and "Antichrist" affected me like no film since "Pixote." This film is infuriating, vile, and nihilistic, but will also ruin other films for you, at least for a few days.

I still hate Lars von Trier, but thanks to "Antichrist," I now respect him.

Stats:
(2009) 108 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Lars von Trier
-Cast: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Willem Dafoe
(Unrated)

Sunday, September 8, 2024

Boom in the Moon (1946)

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The great stone faced silent comedian Buster Keaton stars in one of the worst films of the 1940's. There are spoilers in this review.

He plays a sailor stranded at sea at the end of WWII. He washes up in Mexico, and turns himself in as a prisoner of war. He is mistaken for a mass murderer and sentenced to the electric chair. He and a prison buddy volunteer for a crazy professor's new invention- an atomic rocket to take them to the moon. The pair, and the professor's cute niece, get into the rocket, which flies only a few miles. They land in a field in their native Mexico, think it is the moon, and begin to try to contact the "moon men."

Where to begin? The film came out in 1946, way past Keaton's prime. He looks old and tired here. He still manages to do some painful looking slapstick, not that the story deserved it. He just rips off stuff that was funny twenty five years earlier. The film is Mexican, with a Mexican cast dubbed into English. Keaton obviously does not speak Spanish, so he stares blankly into space during most of the other characters' dialogue. To see this great comedian look completely lost in this stupid film is absolutely criminal. He knows when to say a line when his prison buddy either points at him or slaps him on the arm. Salvador's idea of direction is to nail the camera to the floor and let Keaton be "funny." Keaton has no idea what is going on in the story, but tries to make a scene hilarious by resorting to old tricks that do not work anymore. Even kids will be bored by the inane story that insults the collective intelligence of all who view it. The title, "Boom in the Moon," makes little sense as well. The screenwriters make a giant plot gaffe toward the end of the film. Keaton and his buddy (sorry, none of the characters have names) are on the ship and find out they have been exonerated for the murders. They both hear the report on a radio. Later, back on Earth and in prison, they are set free and await their fate because of the murders they are falsely accused of. The police captain tells them they have been exonerated and can go- but they already knew this, they heard it on the ship. Out of nowhere, they haul in a Mexican woman as Keaton's wife and he locks himself back in the cell. Cute joke, but the wife is never mentioned before in the film. Where did she come from? This kind of sloppiness is typical throughout. The special effects here make "Plan 9 from Outer Space" look like "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring." The rest of the Mexican cast are awful, and dubbed equally badly. Count the number of times you hear the word "vamos," it really gets irritating. The video company that released this must have won the rights to this in a fifty cent poker game. They should have saved the late Keaton some embarrassment and left it on the shelf.

Also known as "A Modern Bluebeard," this is my pick for the most inept film of the 1940's. Hopefully, you will not have to see this to prove me right.

Stats:
(1946) 105 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jaime Salvador
-Written by Jaime Salvador, Victor Trivas
-Cast: Buster Keaton, Pedro Elviro, Angel Garasa, Jose Elias Moreno, Fernando Soto, Jose Torvay, Virginia Serret, Enriqueta Reza, Luis G. Barreiro, Guillermo Bravo Sosa, Ramon G. Larrea, Jorge Mondragon, Ignacio Peon
(Not Rated)

The Bone Collector (1999)

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Oscar winners Denzel Washington and Angelina Jolie get caught up in a thriller more complicated than "Seven," and not as good.

Washington is paralyzed former New York City detective Lincoln Rhyme, who can only move his head and one index finger. He is confined to a bed after an on the job accident and is cared for by nurse Thelma (Queen Latifah). Amelia (Angelina Jolie) is a young cop trying to make it in the youth services division in the NYPD. She is running from personal demons of her own, including the suicide of her cop father. By chance, Amelia is the first on the scene of a gruesome discovery. As we have seen earlier, a wealthy couple is kidnapped by a rogue cabbie. The man's remains are found, and the killer leaves clues to where the woman is. Lincoln runs a miniature precinct out of his apartment, using his limited physical attributes to investigate and using Amelia to see what he would normally see. The team begins trailing the killer, trying to piece together the clues left at the crime scene. They are stopped at every turn by clicheed angry detective Cheney (Michael Rooker), who keeps reminding everyone Lincoln is no longer a cop, as more bodies turn up.

The other murders in here are almost unnecessary since the original intent of the story is to put Lincoln in danger to begin with. The killer is not easily guessed because the film makers throw in all sorts of red herring suspects, but by the end you probably will not care all that much. Washington and Jolie are very good here. Amelia gets some background characterization, which helps explain her bitterness, and it takes her a while to warm up to Lincoln. Washington is also good in a physically limited role, using his facial expressions to relate to the audience. His frequent seizures are convincing. The rest of the cast mostly runs around with their guns drawn, quipping with Lincoln on down time. A special mention should go to Queen Latifah- she won me over as the tough nurse whose primary responsibility is to her patient. The killings are based on old New York City history, and some of that is interesting. With this serial killer genre of film, the film makers do take logical leaps in trying to solve the crimes that most crime audiences may have a problem swallowing. The crimes are so overly complicated and really do not make much sense, considering the killer's final motive. Of course, the killer confesses everything in the climax, including why, and I thought this whole sequence was very weak. Director Noyce does a standard job with his camera, although I liked a lot of the shots of NYC we do not normally see, including the World Trade Center. The music is appropriately suspenseful, as is the cinematography.

In the end, "The Bone Collector" is strictly suspense by committee. The great actors they enlisted almost make up for the shoddy story and "seen it before" feel that you are left with. If anyone else had been cast in this, it would have been a serious flop. As it is, this is a B movie serial killer flick dressed up with onscreen talent. The film makers failed to back the cast up with something the audience could jump at. Remade as a television series.

Stats:
(1999) 118 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Phillip Noyce
-Screenplay by Jeremy Iacone based on the novel by Jeffrey Deaver
-Cast: Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie, Queen Latifah, Michael Rooker, Michael McGlone, Luis Guzman, Leland Orser, John Benjamin Hickey, Ed O'Neill, Bobby Cannavale, Richard Zeman, Gary Swanson, Olivia Birkelund
(R)

Top 10 Films of 2019

Out of 55 films I viewed released in 2019:
(Ranking, Title, (Director), Star Rating Out of Five Stars

1. No Safe Spaces (Justin Folk) *****
2. FAT: A Documentary (Peter Curtis Pardini) *****
3. 1917 (Sam Mendes) ****1/2
4. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (Quentin Tarantino) ****1/2
5. Manson: Music From an Unsound Mind (Tom O'Dell) ****
6. Abominable (Jill Culton, Tom Wilderman) ****
7. American Tragedy (Josh Sabey) ****
8. I See You (Adam Randall) ****
9. Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes (Joe Berlinger) ****
10. The Confession Killer (Robert Kenner, Taki Oldham) ****
Also Rans: The Booksellers, Charlie's Angels, Seberg
Worst Film of the Year: Pinkfong and Baby Shark's Space Adventure (Byeon Hee-sun, Jinyoung Jung, Nayoon Kim) 1/2*

Saturday, September 7, 2024

Bolero (1984)

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Bo Derek is Lida, a fresh faced high school graduate (yeah, uh-huh) who idolizes Rudolph Valentino. She and best friend Catalina (Ana Obregon) travel to Morocco to find a sheik and seduce him. Lida is still a virgin, has just inherited a ton of money, and has chauffeur Cotton (a mortified George Kennedy) at her disposal. The sheik (Greg Bensen) thing doesn't go well, and the group travels to Spain. There, Lida falls for bullfighter Angel (Andrea Occhipinti). The two begin to fall in love, before he gets gored by a bull, and Lida tries to get him to rise to the occasion like before.

John Derek wrote and directed this film. Bo is in almost every scene. I am still trying to come up with a way to describe how badly both Dereks fail here. John's screenplay never engages the viewer. Lisa needs sex- so what? There is no conflict, just poor Bo spouting her husband's inane lines. What is worse is that John wrote some explicit sex scenes for Bo and her male co-stars. I don't know about you, but I find that a little weird. Bo Derek tries to play Lida as a wide-eyed innocent. She says her lines too softly and too earnestly, coming off less a virgin and more of a mentally challenged girl. The film takes place in the 1920's, but Bo sports the same Malibu Beach hairdo she has always had. The rest of the cast is lousy as well, including a Olivia d'Abo in her first major role. By the time this thing sputters to a conclusion, I was thankful "Bolero II" was never a possibility.

While "Swept Away" is one of the worst director husband/actress wife films of the new millennium, remember the 1980's, when John and Bo Derek haunted the theaters with this film and the equally horrifying "Tarzan the Ape Man." Then again, don't.

Stats:
(1984) 105 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed and Written by John Derek
-Cast: Bo Derek, George Kennedy, Ana Obregon, Greg Bensen, Andrea Occhipinti, Olivia d'Abo, Ian Cochrane, Mirta Miller, Mickey Knox, Paul Stacey, James Stacey
(R)

Boat Trip (2002)

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Cuba Gooding, Jr. continued the careful destruction of his film career in this terribly stupid sex comedy.

Jerry (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) proposes to terrible girlfriend Felicia (Vivica A. Fox), who turns him down because she is seeing someone else- and he barfs on her. Sex crazed best friend Nick (Horatio Sanz) decides the best thing for Jerry is tons of anonymous sex, so the two decide to go on a singles cruise. This is the part of the review where I will use nothing but exclamation points, just like I imagine the pitch session went: Jerry and Nick tick off the travel agent! We could get Will Ferrell to do the cameo over a lunch hour! The two are booked on a GAY cruise, and they are straight! Get it?! Jerry falls in love with hot dance instructor Gabriella (Roselyn Sanchez)! Nick accidentally shoots down a helicopter containing a Swedish tanning team! Nick pretends to be gay to be around the girls, and Jerry pretends to be gay to be around Gabriella! Felicia wants Jerry back! Both dudes learn that homosexuals are people, too! It'll be great!

Forget for a minute, if you can, all the badly done gay stereotypes. Forget a depressing Roger Moore trying to seduce Sanz. Forget Sanchez's see-through blouses, but no full on nude scenes. Forget all of that. My biggest complaint: this film did not make me laugh once. Mort Nathan directed and co-wrote this, and everything is by the numbers. The jokes here are terrible. Nathan's direction is plain, when a movie is desperate enough to play James Brown's "I Feel Good" just twenty seconds into the beginning, you know you are in trouble. Gooding is miscast. He mugs at all the wrong times, and I did not believe for a minute that he and Sanz were lifelong best friends. Sanz simply yells his lines, falling into the same routine Nicolas Cage did in "Trapped in Paradise." The rest of the women are window dressing, except Lin Shaye, who portrays the Swedish team's coach, and just replays all her parts from the Farrelly Brothers' pictures.

"Boat Trip" is one of those films that you watch because it might not be as bad as you have heard- but then the film confirms your darkest fears.

Stats:
(2002) 94 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Mort Nathan
-Written by Mort Nathan & William Bigelow
-Cast: Cuba Gooding Jr., Horatio Sanz, Vivica A. Fox, Roselyn Sanchez, Roger Moore, Lin Shaye, Maurice Godin, Will Ferrell, Richard Roundtree, Artie Lange, Thomas Lennon, Victoria Silvstedt, Zen Gesner
(R)

Blue (1968)

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Terence Stamp is Azul (Spanish for "Blue"), the adopted son of Mexican bandit Ortega (Ricardo Montalban). Ortega, tiring of the same old robbing and pillaging, and sensing unrest from all of his sons, decides to cross the river into the United States and do some damage to the country that recently took part of Mexico for itself. The bandits raid a settlement, but Azul begins having a change of heart- deciding not to kill, and wanting to stay in the United States. He saves Joanne's (Joanna Pettet) life, and is nursed back to health by her father Doctor Morton (Karl Malden). The rest of the bandits head back to Mexico, mourning their losses. For the first time, and halfway through the film, Blue speaks. He is called Blue because of his eye color. He is not your "typical" Mexican, possessing blonde hair and fair skin. He begins to take a liking to Joanne, and stays on to help farm the doctor's land. Blue is introduced into the settlers' society, but not without raising the suspicions of some of the bandits' victims. Eventually, Ortega and the boys return to reclaim one of their own.

Made in 1968, this western has a definite contemporary feel to it. There are no good guys and bad guys, and Blue is an antihero if there ever was one. His romance with Joanne is expected but never forced or false. Malden is excellent as the doctor who is supposed to help people, murderers or not. Stamp is good as Blue. Since he doesn't speak through the first half of the film, when he finally does open up about himself I was hanging on his every word. Narizzano shows a wonderful directorial eye, highlighting great Utah scenery. He is able to generate suspense (Pettet's attack in the general store), lust (a very good clothed love scene), and violence (the final showdown) without getting show-offy with the camera. Yakima Canutt was stunt coordinator, and the explosive finale is some of his best work.

While "Blue" might be hard to find, it is worth the search, and I highly recommend it.

Stats:
(1968) 113 min. (* * * * 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Silvio Narizzano
-Screenplay by Meade Roberts and Ronald M. Cohen, Story by Ronald M. Cohen
-Cast: Terence Stamp, Joanna Pettet, Ricardo Montalban, Karl Malden, Anthony Costello, Joe De Santis, Sally Kirkland, Peggy Lipton, James Westerfield, Stathis Giallelis, Carlos East, Sara Vardi, Robert Lipton
(TV-14)

Friday, September 6, 2024

Bloody Murder (2000)

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There's some spoilers in this review. Hold on to your hats- a chainsaw-wielding, hockey-mask-wearing murderer is on the loose at a summer camp, taking nubile young counselors one by one until the final showdown with the virginal heroine- and before you get all misty-eyed for the early 1980's, this film was released in 2000.

After the prerequisite opening murder, where a guy is killed by the aforementioned maniac, skip forward a few years to counselors going to camp to get it set up before the kids get there. Every cliche left over from the 1980's in reintroduced here, and the film makers keep a straight face the entire time. After playing a game of bloody murder, kind of a team tag, and playing a joke on one of the counselors, the new counselors are stalked by an unidentifiable maniac. Red herring suspects also begin to pop up all over the place. There is even an old senile man who comes around corners and scares everyone with premonitions of doom and gloom. Eventually, the heroine suspects her cabinmate because the cabinmate's father was the one who was murdered in the opening. Julie is sitting at her desk, and imagines her cabinmate of doing away with all the supporting cast, then jumps up and announces her conclusion to law enforcement and everyone else standing around. Fine. Except that the victims have all "disappeared," and Julie has no idea they have been murdered, much less knowing the way they were murdered. Of course, the cute cabinmate is not the killer, the film makers just wasted all of their ideas trying to make us think so.

If this review is lacking certain things like character names, that is because I could not remember any. The film is that unmemorable. This is not even as good as the decades old films they are trying to copy, and anyone looking for another "Scream" or "Scary Movie" are really going to be disappointed. The writer must have had this in his desk drawer for a few years and pulled it out to try and make a little dough. Well, he got my two bucks. I do not recommend this cheap, unsuspenseful junk. Followed by a sequel.

Stats:
(2000) 88 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Ralph E. Portillo
-Written by John R. Stevenson
-Cast: Jessica Morris, Peter Guillemette, Patrick Cavanaugh, Crystalle Ford, Michael Stone, Justin Ross Martin, Tracy Pacheco, Lindsey Leigh, David Smigelski, William Winter, Michael Prohaska, Jerry Richards
(R)

Thursday, September 5, 2024

Bloodfist (1989)

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Don Wilson gets involved in the tough world of Filipino kickboxing in order to follow through on a story that is older than the hills.

Wilson plays Jake, who partners with Hal (Kenneth Peerless) in a small martial arts academy. Jake's brother, Mike (Ned Hourani), is killed in Manila after winning a kickboxing match, so Jake must fly there to claim the body. The body was cremated, and Jake swears vengeance on Mike's murderers. Jake then meets all the supporting players, one right after the other. Kwong (Joe Mari Avellana) decides to help train Jake. Baby (Michael Shaner) is the wild kickboxer with no discipline. Nancy (Riley Bowman) is Baby's sister, as well as a stripper/translator (!), who falls for Jake. Jake and Baby enter the kickboxing tournament, and Mike's killer is supposedly one of the competitors. Then, like "Murder, She Wrote," the suspects are eliminated one by one until the true killer's identity is revealed, although I do not remember Angela Lansbury slamming a guy's nose back into his skull during a darkened blood match to the death.

"Bloodfist" is too typical. There is a final twist in the story that surprises if you have not been paying attention at all through the film. Billy Blanks, the "Tae Bo" guy, moves faster than the camera can react, and I wish more time had been spent on him. Wilson is okay, if a little stiff. The rest of the supporting cast goes through the paces. This is more than a little reminiscent of the "Rocky" and "Karate Kid" films, complete with the grizzled older fight instructor and training montages. While not a complete disaster, "Bloodfist" has little to put it over other late 1980s/early 1990s cheap martial arts films. Camera shadows are more than evident, fake blood is spit and spilled often, and some of the multiple slow motion shots just show many of the kicks and punches come nowhere near connecting. This launched a ton of sequels, which I am sure contain more of the same.

"Bloodfist" is weak.

Stats:
(1989) 85 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Terence H. Winkless
-Screenplay by Robert King
-Cast: Don Wilson, Joe Mari Avellana, Rob Kaman, Billy Blanks, Cris Aguilar, Michael Shaner, Riley Bowman, Marilyn Bautista, Kenneth Peerless, Vic Diaz, Ned Hourani, Felix Pascual, Edgardo Castaneda, Archie Ramos
(R)

Barf Bunny (2021)

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Felicia Fisher dresses in a bunny costume, gorges herself on food, throws most of it up, and is savagely murdered by another bunny costumed performer (Marcus Koch).

This project from Cinemas Underbelly's Jonathan Doe is for a very specific audience. There are two cuts of the film, one highlighting the vomiting, the other the well-done practical gore effects. I'm not one to question what turns other people on, but how anyone can find vomiting sexually arousing, much less watchable, is beyond me. To each his or her own, however it's still better than something with James Corden's name in the cast, speaking of vomiting (I'm kidding, avoid this).

Stats:
(2021) 40 min. (0) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Jonathan Doe
-Cast: Felecia Fisher, Marcus Koch
(Unrated)

Wednesday, September 4, 2024

Blood: The Last Vampire (2000)

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Despite a climax that fails to deliver the goods, this fifty minute anime saga has plenty to recommend to both Japanese animation and horror fans.

Saya (voiced by Yuki Kudo) is a young vampire who hunts down creatures that are called demons but are in fact mutated blood suckers. They appear normal until injured or killed, when they turn into some pretty freaky monsters. The setting is Japan in the late 1960's. Saya slays a seemingly innocent man on a subway car in the opening minutes, and requests a new sword from her boss David (voiced by Joe Romersa). There have been a series of vampire murders in the area, disguised as suicides. Saya is assigned to Yokota Air Base, a U.S. military installation, as a Japanese schoolgirl sent to observe the American classrooms. Decked out in her uniform, she is the vision of innocence. Sharon (voiced by Rebecca Forstadt) and anemic Linda try to befriend her, as does the school nurse (voiced by Saemi Nakamura). The rest of the film is nonstop action.

"Blood: The Last Vampire" is different than most anime out there. While the story does not wait for the viewer to catch up to it, the animation is fantastic. The director seamlessly mixes computer imaging and regular animation with 3D CGI, giving the film a whole new look that is constantly amazing. Yorihiro Ike's musical score is also excellent, leaving plenty of room for the sound effects without overwhelming them. Since the film takes place on an American base, there is plenty of English dialogue. The Japanese bits are subtitled. The film does let the viewer down at the climax. After some incredible action set pieces in the subway, the nurse's office, and a locked burning garage, the chase down the base's tarmac seems slow by comparison and a little easy. There is plenty of room for a sequel, with the film makers teasing the audience about the then current Vietnam war.

With plenty of gore, language, and an animated girl in a school uniform kicking some major monster butt, "Blood: The Last Vampire" is not the worst thing you could watch. Followed by a live action version.

Stats:
(2000) 48 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Hiroyuki Kitakubo
-Screenplay by Kenji Kamiyama, Concept by Mamoru Oshii
-Cast: Yuki Kudo, Joe Romersa, Rebecca Forstadt, Saemi Nakamura, Stuart Robinson, Akira Koieyama, Tom Fahn, Fitz Houston, Steve Blum, Mitsuo Senda, Paul Carr, Chuck Campbell, Fumiko Osaka, Kaori Koyama
(Not Rated)

Blind Justice (1994)

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Although derivative of many other films, this short little western still packs a punch.

Armand Assante is nearly-blind gunfighter Canaan, traveling with a baby. He is looking for the baby's mother, asking everyone he finds about the town she is supposed to be in. He stops in one town where a group of soldiers is guarding a shipment of silver, which is being eyed by the local bandits. The soldiers, trapped, send Canaan out for help. All hell breaks loose.

Assante is very good as the embittered gunfighter, and often very funny. His blindness never becomes gimmicky, although one has to wonder how he can ride a horse. He uses his hearing and sense of smell to shoot, how does he know in which direction the horse is going? Adam Baldwin, as the soldiers' sergeant Hastings, is great, as is Robert Davi in his best role since "Licence to Kill" as the main villain. The one cast liability here is Oscar nominee Elisabeth Shue as Caroline. Shue delivers all of her lines in a flat, monotonal, vaguely-Valley Girl accent. Canaan and Caroline's forced romance is also the weakest part of the script. One scene to watch for is in the climax as a character is blown through the doors of a building. I rewound that three times just to bask in an action shot I had never seen before. This feels like the first film of a proposed series that never came to fruition, and with an 85 minute running time, you have to wonder what they cut out.

However, I do recommend "Blind Justice."

Stats:
(1994) 85 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Richard Spence
-Written by Daniel Knauf
-Cast: Armand Assante, Elisabeth Shue, Robert Davi, Adam Baldwin, Ian McElhinney, Danny Nucci, M.C. Gainey, Titus Welliver, Jack Black, Michael O'Neill, Douglas Roberts, Gary Carlos Cervantes, Jesse Dabson, Stanton Davis
(R)

Tuesday, September 3, 2024

Bled (2009)

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Yes, this is how you do it, aspiring film makers with limited means!

Sai (Sarah Farooqui) is a struggling artist. She is approached at a show by Renfield (Jonathan Oldham), who seems to "get" her mystical self-portraits, and she takes him back to the loft she shares with photographer Royce (Chris Ivan Cevic), Eric (Alex Petrovitch), and Kerra (Michele Morrow). Renfield breaks out a small stick with blood-red sap pustules on it. When the pustules are melted in a spoon and the fumes inhaled, the user is transported into a strange wooded world crawling with vampiric creatures. Sai takes the drug, trips, and tries to deal with the unrequited love between her and Royce. When she awakens, Renfield is gone, and her artwork becomes even darker than before.

Aside from the early gallery scene, the film only has two settings- the loft and the drug-induced woods. The cast is small. The special effects are mostly camera based, with the exception of a number of makeup opportunities. Do you know what? It all works. Hutson's direction is direct and learned. No shaky handheld, no technical problems, just a sure hand guiding the screenplay. While Essex's screenplay gives us a couple too many trips to the other dimension, the characters are well-rounded and believable, trapped in an intricate story that serves as a horrific allegory about artistic inspiration and drug abuse- Sai naively compares the substance to absinthe. The cast is fantastic. They seem devoted to Hutson and Essex's vision and dive right in. The dark cinematography and set design are perfect, as is the makeup and visual effects. The mystical world is creepy, thanks to the imaginative costuming and art direction, and the main monster in the film is hideous, scary, and technically well-done.

"Bled" was unfairly lumped in with all the other second-rate vampire films that have come out in the wake of the "Twilight" series and "True Blood." It's an original, stand-alone effort, and creepy to boot.

Stats:
(2009) 95 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Christopher Hutson
-Written by Sxv'leithan Essex
-Cast: Sarah Farooqui, Jonathan Oldham, Chris Ivan Cevic, Alex Petrovitch, Michele Morrow, Aric Green, Kimberly Rowe, Monica Huntington, Warren Draper, Dichen Lachman, Jennifer Lee Wiggins, Ivan L. Moody
(R)

Beer for My Horses (2008)

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Toby Keith is "Rack" Racklin, a kinda stupid deputy in a small town in southwestern Oklahoma.

He and his best friend, an even stupider deputy named Lonnie (Rodney Carrington) serve under weary Sheriff Landry (Tom Skerritt, being overly serious for such a throwaway role). Rack has just broken up with his girlfriend Cammie (Gina Gershon) for the final time when he finds out his old high school sweetheart Annie (Claire Forlani) has returned to town to take care of her sick mother. Rack never did get along with Annie's stepfather Buck (Barry Corbin), but Rack and Annie take up where they left off before she left for the bright lights of Chicago. Rack and Lonnie arrest Mexican cartel drug lord Tito (Greg Serano) who was trying to steal fertilizer for methamphetamine production, and in retaliation, the drug lord's powerful brother Manuel (Carlos Sanz) kidnaps Annie and holds her hostage across the border in Mexico. Our intrepid heroes decide to road trip to rescue her, meeting up with assorted colorful folk along the way in the form of a carnival troupe in their down season headed up by Charlie (Willie Nelson, who sang with Keith in the awful song that inspired this awful movie).

I had so many thoughts running through my head after sitting through this, and none of them were good. Before you think "here's another Liberal, urban, non-country music fan trashing one of our own," I should tell you that I am a fifth generation-born Texan. I have been to one of the towns where the film takes place, visiting family who lived there for almost a decade (and by the way, New Mexico makes a poor stand-in for Oklahoma). I am first and foremost a fan of good movies, and this is not a good film at all. This was cowritten by Keith and Carrington- I have never seen Carrington's stand-up act, a lot of my friends are fans, but if this is his idea of funny, I don't think I'll be checking him out anytime soon. The film is top heavy with cameos and bit parts for anyone who happened to wander onto the set. It's nice to see Mel Tillis again, but if all of these scenes were cut, the film would run about an hour. The film makers wisely give Ted Nugent only two words of dialogue, he's awkward even playing his part silently. The rest of the cast is awful, Gershon comes off best only because she has one scene and is lucky enough to disappear from the rest of the film. In the climax, the true villain behind the big case is revealed, and it shocks the hell out of Rack (we even get the obligatory "talking villains" spelling out to our simple-minded heroes how they committed the crimes). As a member of the audience, you will have this "twist" figured out as soon as this person appears onscreen earlier in the film. Rack and Lonnie don't do any detective work, or enforce laws of any kind. They drive down to a foreign country in a souped-up Ford, the film serves as an infomercial for Ford pickup trucks, shoot a bunch of stuff, and come back safely- no spoiler, you don't honestly think a film that makes "The Dukes of Hazzard" look like "Dog Day Afternoon" is going to put any of their characters in any jeopardy, do you?

I've wasted enough words describing the awfulness of this, without going into too much detail about Keith's performance (what is he constantly smiling at?), Carrington's borderline mentally challenged character, the trashy small town folks, and Dan Rather's unspeakable cameo (oh, how the mighty have fallen). This was released into less than a hundred theaters, and grossed less than a million dollars- that is how much confidence the studio had in "Beer for My Horses."

Stats:
(2008) 86 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Michael Salomon
-Written by Toby Keith & Rodney Carrington, Story by Toby Keith
-Cast: Toby Keith, Rodney Carrington, Claire Forlani, Ted Nugent, Barry Corbin, Greg Serano, Tom Skerritt, Gina Gershon, Willie Nelson, Mac Davis, Mel Tillis, Park Overall, Curtis Armstrong, Chris Browning, Dan Rather
(PG-13)

Monday, September 2, 2024

Breakin' All the Rules (2004)

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This mild romantic comedy's title is all wrong. This film doesn't break, or bend, any rules- romantic or filmwise.

Quincy (Jamie Foxx) is dumped by his beautiful model girlfriend at the same time his magazine editor boss Philip (Peter MacNicol) wants him to come up with some pointers on how to fire people effectively, given his brief graduate school career in psychology. Quincy quits, holes up in his home with his ex-girlfriend's pug, and uses his knowledge of psych research to write a self-help book on how to end a relationship. Best friend and cousin Evan (Morris Chestnut) tries out the tips, is successful, and Quincy's old magazine hires him back as his book becomes a best seller. Cue the sitcom complications. Evan has been seeing Nicky (Gabrielle Union), but he thinks she wants to dump him. He asks Quincy to talk him up, but not knowing that she is Evan's girl, Quincy starts dating her instead. Meanwhile, Philip is trying to get rid of his gold digger girlfriend Rita (Jennifer Esposito), and asks Quincy for help. Rita ends up mistaking Evan for Quincy, and the wacky mistaken identities plot lurches through to the finale.

This is sitcom-level stuff, even featuring a bit of dialogue along the lines of "he doesn't know I know..." The cast is game, with Foxx turning in a good leading performance. I wished writer/director Daniel Taplitz would stop riding the fence on whether Evan is a heel or not but Chestnut is fine in his undefined role. The rest of the cast is up to the task of doing what they can with the material, with MacNicol coming off best. Taplitz's direction is good, helped with some finely timed editing by Robert Frazen. The musical score is overwhelming, though, with loud cues telling you when something is funny, which is one of my biggest pet peeves. Because this plays like an hour and a half sitcom, the "complications" are anything but complicated. Yes, the cast goes through the paces, but their energy seems to drop as the film goes on. Aside from a very funny sight gag, the climax is weak and predictable.

"Breakin' All the Rules" suffers from both familiarity and a lousy title. It's not terrible and not memorable.

Stats:
(2004) 85 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Daniel Taplitz
-Cast: Jamie Foxx, Peter MacNicol, Morris Chestnut, Gabrielle Union, Jennifer Esposito, Bianca Lawson, Jill Ritchie, Octavia Spencer, Samantha Nagel, Grace Chan, Danny Comden, Heather Headley, Patrick Cranshaw
(PG-13)

The Book of Jane (2013)

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Sometimes intriguing, sometimes incomprehensible, Antero Alli's story of a friendship between a university professor and a homeless person does not play out like you might expect.

Alice (Marianne Shine) is a tough comparative religion professor, settling down with her younger partner, Collette (Madeline H.D. Brown). Collette is an artist, and Alice is her muse. The first half of the film is seen through the eyes of Jane (Luna Olcott), a "nomadic" (not homeless) woman who lives by a creek on Alice's campus. She strikes up a conversation with the professor one day, and Alice is intrigued by Jane. Alice is working on a new book about Goddess theory, and Jane offers up intelligently worded questions and critiques, when she isn't crassly telling people about her constipation due to the intense medications she is on. Eventually, Collette and Alice invite Jane to dinner, and the second half of the film deals with the fateful night and how it changes the couple's lives.

Alli's film is a dense story that I am not going to pretend to completely understand. There are some wonderful visuals, I assume we are seeing what Jane's eyes see, but many of the philosophical conversations between Alice and Jane lost me. I don't have a background in comparative religion. What I did appreciate was Alli's direction. His camera is in the characters' faces, the viewer will feel like they are sitting with the actresses. He thankfully doesn't call attention to his vision, every shot seemed both natural and thought-out. Alli also does not man-bash for close to two hours. The script is too intelligent to take that easy way out. The small cast is excellent across the board, considering the difficult subject matter. I liked the characters, and want to give special notice to Felecia Faulkner as a detective brought in to question Alice and Collette at one point. The song score is very appropriate, and Alli's cinematography is interesting. Technically, the film is well-made despite its small budget. This is not a popcorn munching story for the masses. Alli seems to want to say something about feminism and religion, his other works also deal with more cerebral fare.
It isn't for all tastes, but I found enough in "The Book of Jane" to recommend it.

Stats:
(2013) 117 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Antero Alli
-Cast: Luna Olcott, Marianne Shine, Madeline H.D. Brown, Felecia Faulkner, Nathan Rosquist, Duncan Cook, Brian Livingston
(Not Rated)

Babylon A.D. (2008)

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This much-maligned Vin Diesel film doesn't deserve the hate it has received.

In a rather simple story, mercenary Toorop (Vin Diesel) is hired by Gorsky (Gerard Depardieu, sporting the ugliest makeup in film history...yikes, I hope that's makeup) to deliver a girl from Mongolia to New York. This is all well and good, except the film takes place in the future, where terrorism, global warming, and a new cult-like religion rule an overpopulated planet (New York City's head count is at 32 million). Toorop picks up the girl, Aurora (Melanie Thierry), and Aurora's adoptive mother, Sister Rebeka (Michelle Yeoh). Toorop and his charge encounter a lot of what you might expect in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but director Mathieu Kassovitz acts as if you haven't seen a Mad Max film, and almost gets away with it. His action sequences are insanely good, rivaling a James Bond film in their excitement. His vision of the future owes a lot to "Blade Runner" (it's funny to see that Coca-Cola owns EVERYTHING), although motel water credits aren't that far from the imagination.

The film was dumped in theaters in late summer of 2008 with almost no advertising, and Kassovitz disowned his creation. I watched the 101 minute uncut version on video (not bothering with the ninety minute theatrical version, which apparently is incomprehensible), but the longer version is still unsatisfying. Diesel plays well with the other cast mates, turning in a nice performance, although the tough mercenary who develops a conscience has been seen before. Charlotte Rampling comes along late as the high priestess of the cult, and this turn in the plot feels all wrong. I'm not familiar with Maurice Dantec's source novel Babylon Babies, but the ending, which seemed to hopefully set up a sequel or franchise, is infuriating mostly because you know "Babylon A.D. Deux: It's Babylonning Time!" is not on anyone's horizon. I am not sure if this longer version is simply more action and plot added to recoup losses since the film was a box office disaster, or if Kassovitz had a hand in this version.

"Babylon A.D." is an interesting failure, and full of irony. Set in a future run by mega-corporations, the film was mucked up by...a mega-corporation. The future is now, it seems.

Stats:
(2008) 101 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Mathieu Kassovitz
-Screenplay & Scenario and Dialogue by Mathieu Kassovitz & Eric Besnard, Co-Screenplay by Joseph Simas, Based on the novel by Maurice G. Dantec
-Cast: Vin Diesel, Gerard Depardieu, Melanie Thierry, Michelle Yeoh, Charlotte Rampling, Mark Strong, Lambert Wilson, Jerome Le Banner, Joel Kirby, Souleymane Dicko, David Belle, Radek Bruna, Jan Unger, Abraham Belaga
(Unrated)

Blade: House of Chthon (2006)

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The feature-length pilot episode to the short-lived "Blade: The Series" television show desperately misses big screen franchise star Wesley Snipes, and leaves the viewer hanging as the end credits roll.

Our half-vampire hero Blade (Kirk 'Sticky' Jones) and his human sidekick Shen (Nelson Lee) are battling vampires in Detroit. More specifically, they are battling business tycoon Marcus (Neil Jackson), who is revitalizing the ailing city by bringing back old buildings to their original state. Army vet Krista (Jill Wagner) returns home and learns her twin brother has been murdered. Through some detective work of her own, she traces his killing to Marcus, and encounters Blade, who reluctantly uses her to get inside Marcus' inner sanctum. Things go awry when Krista is made, and Blade stops at nothing to get her back on the side of the good vampire.

Although co-written by David S. Goyer, this pilot suffers from its television trappings. Jones is no Snipes, who was very good in the Blade role- and I write that liking all three Blade films released before this. Jones is given a supporting role in his own series, as we watch him from a distance. He has the look down, but all of his lines play like sound bites from the films. Wagner is slightly better as the vindictive Krista, and suave Jackson portrays the suave Marcus suavely. Bill Mondy comes off best as a crooked cop helping Marcus, and I should mention a surprising and always welcome cameo by Randy Quaid. O'Fallon's action sequences are a mess of bad camera set-ups and too-quick editing. I liked what he did with the scarier parts of the film, however. When Krista is "turned," she has a fantastic dream sequence, followed by an eerie scene in a morgue- both scenes are creepy and effective. For future reference, the word "Chthon" is not pronounced "cha-thon" but "kuh-thon," kind of like the sound of a frying pan being dropped on a linoleum floor. Because this is the pilot episode, the viewer is left hanging about where the story was going to end up. The series only lasted twelve episodes, but after reading some synopses, it didn't sound very interesting.

As for the pilot episode itself, "Blade: House of Chthon" is a mediocre affair. Also known as "Blade: The Series" (2006) {Pilot (#1.1)}."

Stats:
(2006) 88 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Peter O'Fallon
-Written by David S. Goyer & Geoff Johns, Developed by David S. Goyer
-Cast: Kirk 'Sticky Fingaz' Jones, Nelson Lee, Neil Jackson, Jill Wagner, Randy Quaid, Bill Mondy, Jessica Gower, David Palffy, David Kopp, P. Lynn Johnson, Don Thompson, Chuck Liddell, G. Michael Gray, Quinn Lord
(TV-14)

Sunday, September 1, 2024

Buttons (2018)

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Despite a name cast that any film producer would kill for, this scant musical is a disaster from start to finish.

A little orphaned girl named Emily (Noelle E Parker) is visited by kindly Rose (Angela Lansbury) while recovering in a hospital. Rose reads Emily a fairy tale featuring Annabelle (Alivia Clark) and her own adventures under the watchful eye of her guardian angel (Dick Van Dyke) during the American Industrial Revolution.

Read through that supporting cast list: Ioan Gruffudd, Roma Downey, Jane Seymour, Charles Shaughnessy, Robert Picardo, John de Lancie, with narration by Kate Winslet and Robert Redford. Wow, right? Wrong! Composer Tim Janis' direction is nothing short of abominable. His screenplay lifts from "Annie" and "Oliver!," but without offering anything new. The film itself is cheap, with too many computer generated scenes. The framing of many scenes reminded me of Ed Wood's films, complete with jump cuts and blurred picture. This is a musical without one memorable song, as smiling extras look directly into the camera. Redford and Winslet's "narration" is literally a handful of words, with Winslet's coming over an odd opening credits sequence that had me thinking I was watching the trailer instead. Don't be fooled by the other reviews that point out that the film is a charitable effort to combat autism. That's no excuse, I doubt my own autistic family member would make it five minutes into this.

Van Dyke and Lansbury try, but as they are getting on in years, Janis' camerawork lets both of them down. This mess has been released a few times, sports a number of subtitles (I saw it titled "Buttons: A Christmas Tale"), and I've seen three different running times for the film (I caught the 88 minute version). Watching this train wreck unfold, I wasn't fascinated but bored. There is no emotion and no heart. This is a shoddy, amateurish production that might appeal to your grandmother who finds "Green Acres" scandalous. A wasted opportunity, especially considering that cast.

Stats:
(2018) 88 min. (1/2*) out of five stars
-Directed by Tim Janis
-Story and Screenplay by Tim Janis & Elizabeth Demmer
-Cast: Noelle E Parker, Alivia Clark, Angela Lansbury, Dick Van Dyke, Ioan Gruffudd, Roma Downey, Jane Seymour, Charles Shaughnessy, Robert Picardo, John de Lancie, Kate Winslet, Robert Redford, Abigail Spencer
(PG)- Mild adult situations

Blood Bath (1966)

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This nicely shot film is completely ridiculous when it comes to its screenplay.

Sordi (William Campbell) is a semi-successful artist in an unnamed European locale. Local beatniks look up to him as his popular, gory paintings sell. What his admiring fans don't know is that Sordi may (or may not) be possessed by an ancestor who was executed for being in league with the devil. Sordi himself turns into a vampire at night and kills various women when he's not painting their portraits. He encases their bodies in what looks like wax, and keeps them scattered around his bell tower studio. New love Dorean (Lori Saunders) becomes suspicious of Sordi's behavior, and unfortunately almost becomes another victim.

The film, which barely runs an hour, makes no sense. From the vampire angle to the possession angle- the viewer is never sure what exactly is wrong with Sordi. The beatnik artists, which includes Sid Haig in a very early role, are played for laughs, with their minds blown over the silliest of artistic technique. Dorean's desperate love affair with Sordi is also nonsensical, as the film makers barely spend any time developing their relationship. While the cinematography and exterior locales are very nice to look at, the film also suffers from some obvious padding, like the tower bell ringers footage that is repeated over and over again without any variety in the shots. I decided to treat this film as a lark after the first few minutes, and that certainly helped in my enjoyment of it. If it can't take itself very seriously then I didn't need to take it seriously either.

No scares here, but a passable way to blow an hour.

Stats:
(1966) 62 min. (* * 1/2) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Jack Hill & Stephanie Rothman
-Cast: William Campbell, Lori Saunders, Marissa Mathes, Sandra Knight, Karl Schanzer, Sid Haig, Biff Elliot, Jonathan Haze, Fred Thompson, David Ackles, Roger Corman
(Not Rated)- Physical violence, some gore, female semi-nudity, adult situations, alcohol use

Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend (1985)

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"Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend" is a bizarre cinematic misfire. A film meant for kids, it features nudity, sex, and murderous violence- all to a bouncy Jerry Goldsmith musical score.

George (William Katt) is a sports writer accompanying his anthropologist wife Susan (Sean Young) to deepest Africa. She is investigating a local legend that dinosaurs are still living in the jungle, and goes about her studies under the watchful eye of mentor Eric (Patrick McGoohan, sporting an evil hat and equally evil beard as if he was auditioning for a 007 bad guy role). We have already seen Eric stab a colleague to death to get his hands on some dino-papers, so it appears the couple is on the right track. Susan checks on a poisoned tribe, and she and her ready-to-leave husband stumble on a family of brontosauruses. Eric and his sniveling assistant Nigel (Julian Fellowes) and their band of brutish soldiers murder the father dino and drug the mother dino up, ready to take her back for study. They don't notice the Baby bronto, but Susan and George do, adopting it like it's a giant puppy while deciding their next move.

Marketed as a fun adventure for the whole family, the film was rated PG by the MPAA. Once the kiddies were planted in their seats, popcorn in hand, they are treated to the adventures of a temporarily orphaned dinosaur. They are also treated to a stabbing in the opening scenes, bare-breasted native women, William Katt in wet clingy underwear, a guy getting shot in the neck by an arrow, George and Susan having a little jungle lovin', birds pecking at the bloody carcass of an animal, Sean Young's unclasped bra, battle scenes that look lifted from "The Dogs of War," an electrocution, dying tribal chiefs, angry dino moms chewing on a villain, and one guy getting kicked out of a helicopter to his death. Sure, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" was also PG, but that was a throwback to a bygone cinematic era complemented with modern film making techniques. Here, the animatronic dinosaurs are interesting only if you stumbled on them during a less popular ride at a theme park. As film special effects, they are not very good. I spotted black string lifting the heads of the creatures on many occasions, and I watched this on a very non-high-definition VHS videotape player and tube TV. The miniature effects work better but not by much.

"Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend" certainly lost me.

Stats:
(1985) 95 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Bill Norton
-Written by Clifford Green & Ellen Green
-Cast: William Katt, Sean Young, Patrick McGoohan, Julian Fellowes, Kyalo Mativo, Hugh Quarshie, Olu Jacobs, Eddie Tagoe, Edward Hardwicke, Julian Curry, Alexis Meless, Susie Nottingham, Stephane Krora, Anthony Sarfoh
(PG)