Desert Kickboxer (1992)

*Get a VHS copy of "Desert Kickboxer" on Amazon here*
*Get Judie Aronson wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get a copy of The Cannon Film Guide: Volume I, 1980-1984 by Austin Trunick on Amazon here*
*Get a copy of The Cannon Film Guide: Volume II, 1985-1987 by Austin Trunick on Amazon here*

As the home video boom of the 1980's began to wind down, many smaller studios were still churning out straight-to-video flicks for a fraction of the budgets of large studio films. Unfortunately, the quality suffers as well, with a prime example being "Desert Kickboxer," also known as "Desert Hawk."

John Newton is Hawk, a mixed-race Navajo who lives by himself in the desert. He arrests random pot dealers for Sheriff Larry (Biff Manard), all while having flashbacks to a kickboxing match where he let rage get the better of him and killed his opponent. In the meantime, across the nearby border in Mexico, accountant Claudia (Judie Aronson) has embezzled some money from drug lord Santos (Paul L. Smith), and she and her special needs brother Anthony (Sam DeFrancisco) flee with assorted henchmen and Santos in pursuit. Hawk takes Claudia and Anthony into custody before realizing they are not criminals, and the trio fight off the baddies while trying to survive the harsh desert conditions.

Menahem Golan of Cannon Studios fame brings us another cheesy actioner that gets sillier as it goes along. Two characters survive point-blank gunshot wounds. Santos is more cuddly than menacing. Newton's Hawk is a bland blank. When he isn't kicking butt and having ringside flashbacks, the film drags to a crawl. Director Florentine obviously had zero budget here, the cast is tiny, and I couldn't care less about the plot. Golan's formula for cheap entertainment was stale at this point, and despite some eye-rollingly ridiculous scenes, there is no fun to be had. You can see the shadows of the film crew in the foreground of the climactic fight, which always takes the viewer out of the picture. The Native American/indigenous peoples angle is tossed in to try to be different, and is unnecessary. This was a blind grab out of a bin of VHS video cassettes I had in a storage room, maybe I should start being pickier about my late night entertainment choices.

Stats:
(1992) 86 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Isaac Florentine
-Screenplay by Isaac Florentine, Story by Isaac Florentine and Jim Lotfi
-Cast: John Newton, Judie Aronson, Biff Manard, Paul L. Smith, Sam DeFrancisco, Luis Contreras, Robert O'Reilly, Mark Richardson, Frankie Avina, David Correia, Bill Dunn, Michael M. Foley, Russell Gannon
(R)

9 1/2 Ninjas! (1991)

*Get the VHS copy of "9 1/2 Ninjas!" on Amazon here*
*Get a physical copy of "9 1/2 Weeks" (Original Uncut Uncensored Version) on Amazon here*
*Watch "9 1/2 Weeks" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get a copy of Nine and a Half Weeks by Elizabeth McNeill on Amazon here*

What seemed like a can't-miss idea on paper- an "Airplane!"-type spoof of "9½ Weeks" and ninja flicks- barely musters any laughs.

The beautiful Lisa Thorne (Andee Gray) is being evicted from her apartment building by evil land developer Gruber (Robert Fieldsteel). Luckily, she meets handsome businessman/ninja Joe Vogue (Michael Phenicie), who also happens to be getting kicked out of his stylish apartment by Gruber. Thorne and Vogue are the targets of a massive army of ninjas handpicked by Gruber, so Joe must train Lisa how to protect herself, just like his mother (Magda Harout) taught him how to be a ninja.

There are so many good ideas and background silliness going on, it's a shame this film is such a mess. I found myself laughing at the opening sequence, where Lisa walks down the street and distracts every man she passes. Unfortunately, the half-baked ideas take over. For some reason never fully explained, Joe is also a complete klutz. Physical comedy and pratfalls are an art. When they work (any Charlie Chaplin film), they are comedy gold. When they are tacked on as an afterthought (Julianne Moore in "Evolution"), they are painful to sit through. This film's goofy pratfalls rarely work. The timing is off as punchlines to jokes are premeditated to the point of ridiculousness. The film's more surreal moments are better, like Don Stark's odd henchman role, and Lisa's kidnapping. Don't be fooled by the erotic aspect of the film. If the filmmakers had trimmed a couple of the topless scenes, they would have had a PG-13 rated film easily. The film seems stuck in Joe's stylish apartment for a very large amount of the running time, and it is in these scenes that the film's story becomes stuck as well. I enjoyed the scenes of young Joe being coached by a blind ninja master, but all of those smiles turned to eye-rolling and frowns as the cast tries too hard to be wacky.

I'm not sure how you might stumble across "9 1/2 Ninjas!", but if you spot it somewhere, move on.

Stats:
(1991) 88 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Aaron Barsky (as Aaron Worth)
-Screenplay by Bill Crounse, Don Pequignot, Story by Bill Crounse, Don Pequignot, John Morrissey
-Cast: Michael Phenicle, Andee Gray, Robert Fieldsteel, Magda Harout, Tiny Lister, Don Stark, Rance Howard, Paul Jabara, Kane Hodder, Barbara Leary, Sharon Lee Jones, Monty Hoffman, Gerald Okamura, Keaton Simon, Kitsan
(R)

American Nightmare (2002)

*Get a physical copy of "American Nightmare" on Amazon here*
*Watch "American Nightmare" on IndiePix through Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get "Scream Queens Illustrated Posterbook #9: Debbie Rochon" on Amazon here*
*Get "Brinke of Eternity #1: The Official Brinke Stevens Comic Book" on Amazon here*

There are many spoilers in this review. Give credit where credit is due- Jon Keeyes' creepy direction overcomes his own flawed script in a slasher film that dares to be different and succeeds.

Shot on location in Texas, the opening features a potentially old school gathering in the woods of two couples. There is no mystery about the killer's identity, as former nurse Jane (Debbie Rochon) kills three people and kidnaps Trisha (Kimberly Grant). Fast forward a year later, and Caligari (Chris Ryan) is hosting the pirate radio show "American Nightmare," asking callers to phone in and tell him their greatest fears. A group of friends sitting in a coffeehouse all call in, having some forced fun, except Trisha's sister Jessie (Brandy Little). Good thing, too, since Jane is keeping a barstool warm just a few feet away. The other friends scatter to a Halloween party, leaving computer nerd Wayne (Johnny Sneed) alone with his laptop. Jessie goes to babysit Deanna (Hayden Tweedie), daughter of a cameoing Brinke Stevens. The rest of the film consists of Jane killing Jessie's friends according to their broadcasted fears. Jessie and Trisha's sister Misty (Rebecca Stacey) has a fear of showers after "Psycho." Tony (Robert McCollum) is afraid of that voodoo that you do so well. Hunky Bruce (Kenyon Holmes) don't like the rough sex. Melanie (Heather Haase) hates the whole buried alive motif. Jane is a busy gal, dispatching the sometimes cluttered cast, then putting the info online for Wayne to see. She also has time to make menacing phone calls to Jessie, and breaking into the house. No one can call the police or else Jane will murder the already thought dead Trisha, and Wayne and Jessie go to their old abandoned high school to finally have it out with the murderess.

First the negative. Keeyes' dialogue was sometimes very stilted and unnatural sounding. The cast of friends is huge, and I lost track of relationships and names quickly. For an unconventional slasher flick, Keeyes does take an obvious step into convention here and there: the villain makes a little killing shrine showing her planning for the night's festivities, and the victims are not the brightest people around- letting this weird woman do things for them that even good friends would be leery of trying. Also, and maybe this was budgetary, but the gore here is nonexistent. I am a huge fan of "Halloween"'s scares over gore, but a little blood would have been lovely. Keeyes' direction, however, did remind me of John Carpenter's, pre-1990. The film's music is totally appropriate. The editing is crisp and professional. Keeyes camera placement shows a lot of thought and maximizes the suspense. He does not resort to jump cuts, or cats leaping onto the set and scaring everyone. No villain dies, then magically comes back to life long enough to bore the audience. The video I saw was letterboxed, and Keeyes certainly fills his screen with interesting things. Jane is bathed in cold blue light for a number of her scenes. Caligari's radio setup is different. The cast is good across the board. Sneed is refreshingly normal in his role, no bulging biceps and action flick heroics. Little is very good as the damaged Jessie, showing actual emotion when it comes to talking of her lost sister. Rochon is different as Jane in that she is not some masked and mute superhuman killing machine. She is certifiably nuts, never offering an easy motive for her killing spree. The surprise ending is expected, but still works.

"American Nightmare" is a dream come true for all of those serious horror fans who are tired of hearing how the "Scream" series is the end-all-be-all of the modern slasher flick.

Stats:
(2002) 91 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Jon Keeyes
-Cast: Debbie Rochon, Brandy Little, Johnny Sneed, Chris Ryan, Robert McCollum, Heather Haase, Kristin McCollum, Brinke Stevens, Kenyon Holmes, Rebecca Stacey, Kimberly Grant, Hayden Tweedie, Scott Phillips
(R)

American Outlaws (2001)

*Get a physical copy of "American Outlaws" on Amazon here*
*Watch "American Outlaws" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get a physical copy of the "American Outlaws" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack by Trevor Rabin on Amazon here*
*Get a copy of the "American Outlaws" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack by Trevor Rabin on Amazon here*

"American Outlaws" is cinematic proof that the American public will watch just about anything, even a film that makes "The Terror of Tiny Town" look like "The Searchers."

Colin Farrell is Jesse James and Gabriel Macht plays his brother Frank. After the film opens with perhaps the most fun ever had at a Civil War battle, the Jameses and Youngers head home to Missouri. There, evil railroad executives have moved into the state in record time and are trying to buy everyone's land to build a railroad. Farms are burned, people killed, and the Youngers and Jameses have had it. After Ma James (Kathy Bates, here for the paycheck) is killed in an attack, the guys decide to stick it to the man by robbing banks where the railroad company does business. The rest of the film is a series of explosions as the gang robs, Allan Pinkerton (Timothy Dalton) tries to track James down, and the boys escape from one pickle to another.

This film is stupid. So stupid. First of all, all the characters are straight out of a screenplay seminar: Jesse the dashing hero, Zee (Ali Larter) his love interest, Frank the smart one, Cole Younger (Scott Caan) the hothead, Bob Younger (Will McCormack) the "funny" one, Jim Younger (Gregory Smith) the boy who you know will die, Tom (Nathaniel Arcand) the politically correct Native American Indigenous People Indian Scout guy whose sole function here is to add some color to the cast of white guys, Rains (Harris Yulin) and Parker (Terry O'Quinn) are the villains, Ma James is the religious nut who has no problem with guns and killin', and Pinkerton, who enjoys the chase of James more than the capture. All the young men wear cool clothes and brandish magical pistols that reload themselves. Thank goodness everyone over thirty five is an idiot, so as these rascally killers can go John Woo/Chow Yun Fat all over their gold-filled rumps and do serious damage without ever killing an innocent bystander. Electric guitar riffs fill the soundtrack, and the film goes through all its preordained set pieces where the outcome has already been determined yet the film makers treat them as if they invented the genre. If you need to see cute guys without their shirts on, go online. If you need to see a decent western, watch anything but this. The entire cast and crew should be ashamed of themselves for coming up with this and shooting it. Did we learn nothing from "The Brady Bunch," when Bobby worshiped Jesse James until Mike brought home the son of one of the outlaw's victims? Why is that decades old sitcom more responsible than this dung? Wanna know the kicker to this whole migraine of a movie? Ma James is killed, prompting the boys to take revenge on the railroad. In real life, she outlived Jesse by almost forty years.

Avoid "American Outlaws" like you would the popular girl at the brothel.

Stats:
(2001) 94 min. (1/2*) out of five stars
-Directed by Les Mayfield
-Screenplay by Roderick Taylor and John Rogers, Story by Roderick Taylor
-Cast: Colin Farrell, Scott Caan, Ali Larter, Kathy Bates, Timothy Dalton, Gabriel Macht, Will McCormack, Gregory Smith, Nathaniel Arcand, Harris Yulin, Terry O'Quinn, Ronny Cox, Ty O'Neal, Joe Stevens, Barry Tubb
(PG-13)

The Comeback (1978)

*Get a physical copy of "The Comeback" on Amazon here*
*Watch "The Comeback" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get a copy of "The Best of Jack Jones" on Amazon here*
*Get a copy of "Paints: A Tribute to Tony Bennett" by Jack Jones on Amazon here*

I hadn't seen this film in decades, but a rewatch showed it still packed an over-the-top punch.

Jack Jones is pop singer Nick Cooper, who has been on a six year hiatus from recording at the insistence of his wife Gail (Holly Palance). The couple has just divorced, and Nick decides to go back to recording for music executive Webster (David Doyle). Gail? Oh, Gail is savagely murdered in the estranged couple's London penthouse by a killer with a small scythe and sporting an old woman mask, and no one is around to find her body. Nick is put up in an English country house where the servants Mr. and Mrs. B (Bill Owen and Pete Walker regular Sheila Keith) are taking care of the estate while it's owners are on a year-long cruise. The Bs are an odd couple, but Nick takes to the house's isolation and starts recording. Nick also takes to Linda (Pamela Stephenson), Webster's secretary. The two begin seeing each other, as Gail's body decomposes in the penthouse, almost getting discovered on a couple of occasions. Red herring suspects in the murder increase with the introduction of Harry (Peter Turner), Nick's creepy go-fer. Nick begins having nightmares, and the hallucinations turn real as someone wants to either drive him insane, or kill him off themselves.

Although I had not seen this in many years, some scenes still stuck with me: the murders are gory, a surprising cast member's character is a cross-dresser, and there is an instance of tree vandalism. What I didn't remember is how good a job Jones does despite some convenient filmmaking cheats. When Nick sees a gory sight, he runs away from it or hides, giving the body or body part a chance to disappear. Jones plays his role well, sporting a nice delivery whether singing or reacting to the craziness around him. Stephenson, Doyle, and Johnson provide ample support. Sheila Keith is always good in these roles, but I dare you to shake her similarity to Robin Williams' Mrs. Doubtfire. Now that I have mentioned it, that is going to be all you think about when she is onscreen. Walker is known for his crazed exploitation (I saw "House of Whipcord"), and he is given ample opportunity here. The description I have read about the film, that Nick's ex-wife haunts him, isn't really true, although there is a supernatural element tossed into this glossy slasher flick, which will remind you of everything from "Curtains" to any other slasher film of the late 1970's and early 1980's. The story does drag a bit in the third act, and I probably would have figured out, and remembered, the climax if I had thought about it a little more. Horror fans will want to seek it out, some parts of this have to be seen to be believed.

Stats:
(1978) 100 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Pete Walker
-Screenplay by Murray Smith, Additional Script Material by Michael Sloan
-Cast: Jack Jones, Pamela Stephenson, David Doyle, Holly Palance, Sheila Keith, Bill Owen, Peter Turner, Richard Johnson, Patrick Brock, June Chadwick, Penny Irving, Jeff Silk, David Hamilton
(R)- Strong physical violence, gore, some profanity, brief nudity, some sexual content, sexual references, some adult situations, alcohol and tobacco use

Tourist Trap (1979)

*Get a physical copy of "Tourist Trap" (Uncut) on Amazon here*
*Get a physical copy of "Tourist Trap" on Amazon here*
*Watch "Tourist Trap" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Watch "Rifftrax: Tourist Trap" on Amazon Prime Video here*

A (PG)-rated slasher film that has been on my radar for decades, "Tourist Trap" is both creepy and ridiculous.

Mr. Slauson (Chuck Connors) is a kindly old gentleman living at his all-but-abandoned wax museum and tourist attraction, "Slauson's Lost Oasis." A new highway has rerouted all of his business away, save the occasional car that conveniently breaks down. After the opening murder of Woody (Keith McDermott) at an abandoned gas station on the new highway, Woody's friends Molly (Jocelyn Jones), Jerry (Jon Van Ness), Eileen (Robin Sherwood), and Becky (Tanya Roberts) conveniently break down in Jerry's hideous car at Slauson's oasis. Slauson loves the company, warning the group not to stray from the museum after dark, and definitely stay away from the big house on the hill. Victims being victims, they start wandering off one by one- stalked by a masked killer, and experiencing what appears to be paranormal activity around the museum and house.

The old VHS copy of this film was a mainstay at video stores across the country. It was also MPAA rated (PG), a rating that stunned the filmmakers themselves, and probably a reason Teenage Me never bothered with it. Connors, past his "The Rifleman" prime, turns in a sincere and sympathetic performance as Slauson. He played stoic and tough in his best known role but his output after the show ended was spotty and disappointing. The small cast goes through the routine in a film that came out a year after "Halloween" and a year before "Friday the 13th"; there are a few slasher film tropes, but also some telegraphed plot points that are often silly. Roberts stands out in a sexy early role, and the behind-the-scenes trivia and stories from director/co-writer Schmoeller and others are often more interesting than the actual film. However...

The opening murder of Woody, and the scenes involving the wax mannequins, are often terrifying. There is something about the vacant expressions on the figures suddenly springing to life, and intercut with actual humans, that gave me the creeps (thanks to future director Ted Nicolaou's editing). The killer often wears a mask of plaster and a wig, looking like Leatherface from "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," and the figure is quite a presence onscreen. Pino Donaggio's bizarre musical score adds to the weird events, the opening titles theme sounds like it was written for a comedy before his screeching strings invade the viewers' ears during the film. I've had the scary movie poster of this film burned into my memory since I was in elementary school.

I'm glad I finally got "Tourist Trap" checked off my "I should really see this someday" list- a middling but notable horror film that made me miss watching Connors and Roberts onscreen.

Stats:
(1979) 90 min. (* * 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by David Schmoeller
-Written by David Schmoeller and J. Larry Carroll
-Cast: Chuck Connors, Jocelyn Jones, Jon Van Ness, Robin Sherwood, Tanya Roberts, Keith McDermott, Dawn Jeffory, Albert Band, Linnea Quigley, Dal McKennon, Arlecchino, Victoria Richart, Millie Dill
(PG)- Strong physical violence, mild gun violence, mild sexual violence, some gore, mild profanity, mild sexual references, some adult situations, mild alcohol use

The Attic (1980)

*Get a physical copy of "The Attic" on Amazon here*
*Get a VHS copy of "The Attic" on Amazon here*
*Get a physical copy of The Attic/Crawlspace (Midnite Movies Double Feature) on Amazon here*
*Get a physical copy of Wide-Eyed in Babylon: An Autobiography by Ray Milland on Amazon here*

Carrie Snodgress portrays a mousy librarian under the domineering control of her father (Ray Milland) in this mislabeled "horror" film.

Louise (Carrie Snodgress) is being forced out of the librarian job she held for nineteen years. She drinks too much, makes half-hearted attempts at killing herself, and once accidentally set the building on fire. A fire she also "accidentally" set crippled her father (Ray Milland), and Louise stays at home taking care of him. Louise's fiance, Robert (Ron Luce), disappeared almost twenty years ago, and Louise still waits to hear from him. She bothers the missing persons bureau, fantasizes about taking exotic vacations, but the loss of her job really begins to change her. She befriends her replacement, Emily (Ruth Cox), who is having control issues with her own mother. Louise begins going out at night, much to her father's chagrin, even having a one night stand with a man she meets at the movies. Emily buys Louise a pet chimpanzee, Louise's fantasies of killing her father begin to increase, and Louise's final day at work approaches.

This film was shot on location in Wichita, Kansas, which is actually refreshing but "The Attic" is anything but horror. Despite the misleading foreboding title, trailer, and an inaccurate plot summary on Netflix, the film is a psychological character study, becoming somewhat horrific only in the final fifteen minutes. Snodgress made a huge splash in the 1970's and quickly fizzled, reduced to taking roles in B flicks after scoring an Oscar nomination for "Diary of a Mad Housewife." She is very good here, and once you let go of any horror film expectations, watching her Louise go mad under her father's tyranny is unsettling. Milland can be accused of playing the same mean old man roles he got stuck with in his latter years, I do not recall the last time he smiled onscreen. Ruth Cox is surprisingly good as Emily, with enough acting chops to back up the role. Once again, the main problem I had was with the script. There are some comical death fantasies here that do not work, plus the monkey gets its own jaunty accordion musical theme. Milland's character is so one note, Snodgress must take over the picture. This is unfortunate since the grand finale is telegraphed to the point where you will have it figured out soon after the film begins. This means Louise must go through her life and trials, and I quickly became bored, knowing the outcome.

"The Attic" is a failed attempt at suspense, getting lost in the early 1980's cycle of slasher flicks. The good cast did deserve more.

Stats:
(1980) 101 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by George Edwards
-Screenplay by Tony Crechales and George Edwards
-Cast: Carrie Snodgress, Ray Milland, Ruth Cox, Ron Luce, Angel, Rosemary Murphy, Frances Bay, Fern Barry, Marjorie Eaton, Dick Welsbacher, Joyce Cavarozzi, Michael LeRoy Rhodes, Phil Speary, Patrick Brennan, Mark Andrews
(PG)